Life and Death

I was trying to figure out which category to put this under. It’s my thoughts on my health. It’s a long complicated story.

So my health, specifically my weight and my bp. I was a healthy kid until I hit puberty, than that crap screwed with my body and I got chubby. Then over the years, I slowly gained like 5-10 lbs a year. And well that’s been going on for oh, like 9 years so you get the idea.

The ol’ blood pressure, started being an issue during my senior year in HS. Granted I was like 40 lbs over weight at that point. I also had a lot of stress. Needless to say it fluctuated. Funny thing is, two weeks before my wedding, my bp was the best it’s been in years. You’d think I’d be a stressed out loony with insane bp, nope I was ok.

So weight kept coming on, I kept putting it off, and stress became more and bp went up. I had two crazy incidents with 200/140 bp and then 196/120 bp (the latter was due to psedophedrine and having the flu). The first one there, was just due to insane personal and other stress, and when my bp was taken later in the day when I relaxed it was a quite a bit lower.

So I had seen a traditional chinese doctor to deal with my bp, and she was awesome, except my insurance didn’t cover her, and well it’s pretty expensive. So then I saw a naturopath, and she was great too, also not covered by insurance, but we also ran into some issues with some foul tasting tinctures, which she insisted were just fine (2 weeks prior they tasted just fine).

Lastly, my bp resurfaced again, and I saw a traditional doctor, since I was broke. Well she freaked on me, and had me in for every test my insurance carrier would pay for. To discover, there is nothing abnormal with me, I just have high bp.

So now I’m at this point in my life. My mother is afraid I’m working myself too hard and am going to have a stroke. My husband worries about me and wants me to be around for many more years. And the more I think about possibly croaking tomorrow due to some brain aneurysm, stroke or heart attack, this shit freaks me out. I want to quit everything, go into seclusion for 6 months, get a grip on everything, and then come back at it. BUT of course that’s not possible.

I rode 14.3 miles this past week, and I walked 3 miles this weekend. But I’ve reverted back to poor eating habits. Not super bad, but definitely not what i had been doing.

I don’t want to die tomorrow, and I do want to live a long life, but I don’t know how to deal with this other than being all or nothing about it. I hate the medication I was prescribed with, it makes me pee all the time, and dries my muscles right out, so I’m dehydrated, and as anyone who knows me knows, I can go a whole day on 8oz of some liquid. Of course now I’m parched all the time.

I don’t know am I just having a hard time realizing I need to make serious radical changes in my life or if I need to see a therapist ( I have a bad track record with them too). Drs, not my favorite people in the world. I loved my pediatrician, wish he could have been my doctor the rest of my life.

oh well, I needed to get that out. I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. I feel so confused now.

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